We’re now officially more than halfway through January – which means approximately three-quarters of all your New Year’s Resolutions have already crashed and burnt to a cinder.

That’s a fact – according to the number-crunchers at Forbes, just 8 percent of resolutions are actually realised. And plotting that sharp curve of disappointed ambitious shows that, by this point of the year, most of the world’s good intentions have long since gone down the toilet for good.

So now you feel better knowing how silly the whole trying-to-change-your-life-and-be-a-better-person thing is, here’s our list of the funniest NYE pledges we smugly always knew were doomed to fail, compiled anonymously from friends, family, social media – and overheard at brunch.

“To meet the love of my life”

Okay, seriously, anyone who makes that pledge at midnight, midway through the biggest party of the year, is ALWAYS going to wake up disappointed…

“To run more”

Mathematically speaking, to do “more” of anything, you need to be doing it in the first place. We think that’s how it works, anyway

“To play with my phone less”

Erm, we saw you note that down on YOUR PHONE

“To do something totally amazing with my life this year”

Now you’re just putting off ambition until December

“To stop using my imaginary cat/dog/hamster as an excuse to get out of social situations”

Maybe a better one would be “to work on my compulsive lying”?

“To be less perfect”

Mission accomplished

“To not feel anger every time I see/hear/think about Donald Trump”

You’ve already broken that – and he’s not even president yet!

“To spread more love in the world”

A yoga class in The Greens doesn’t make you Gandhi

“To tolerate fools gladly”

Just call them a “fool” and see how glad they’ll be

“Just write down everything you did last night, and add the word ‘don’t’ before it”

But you DID it already, doofess

“To make more effort with my friends”

And that’s why they’re not really your friends

“To love myself like Kanye loves himself and believe in myself like Kanye believes in himself”

Statistically (and morally) impossible

“To gain abdominal weight”

Finally, something we can work with

“To keep my calm when on the phone to Du/Dewa/any takeaway delivery driver”

… no explanation necessary

“To stop laughing at my own jokes”

Oops, we just giggled

“To waste less time on the internet”

Right – you’re reading this…

“To give up cheese”

Seriously, who gives up cheese?

Ah well, there’s always next year.

For some real life laughs, head on out to hear some top tier stand-up comedy at The Laughter Factory – click here for this month’s tour dates.


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